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Tuesday Nov 1st 2005
The countdown begins
Yep, here in the good ol' US of A, today is the day I unoffically begin thinking in terms of "... X number of shopping days left until Xmas" The official day being Thankgiving. The stores will have their displays devoted to Thanksgiving items, with Xmas decorations hiding just around the aisle -- ready to take over. These next two months will be the worst two months of the year -- stress-wise - for a lot of people. Thankgiving is less about giving thanks than it is a poplularity contest for families -- whose feast is too important to miss? We'll sit down to way too much food with people we don't see often enough- it's the American way, after all -- and some of us will be polite, but many will not. We look forward to it, but it's more of an obligation than a joy. We will give "air kisses" and compliment the host on her turkey. We will pile our coats on a perfectly made bed while the kids are dressed in their "best" and we yell at them to not get dirty. The women will hang out in the kitchen and the men will watch football in the livingroom -- even if they don't like it. We'll all pile downstairs and eat on metal folding tables with plastic table covers. The women will clean up and the men will start to get antsy to leave. Plans will be discussed on who takes what food home and whose tupperware is whose. When we finally do get out the door and into our cars, we will be much too full and will be glad the day is over.
All in all, it won't be a bad way to spend a day. Even I, a vegetarian for 18 years, *might* enjoy it.
Post Script: No more Sugar
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Wednesday Nov 2nd 2005
Hard Reality
Had to face a hard reality yesterday. Don't really want to go into it. It's hard enough just knowing it myself without spilling it out all over the place.
I went to bed at 7 PM and slept until 6:45 AM. I'm still tired -- correction -- I am not tired, but I don't want to be awake. It's not that I don't want to be awake ever -- I just don't want to be awake until I've gotten past some things. Of course, that isn't an option. I'm not delusional or anything. Just mourning.
On a brighter note, found a bunch of spyware and even a latent trojan on my machine. yay
Killed it. All gone. That felt good.
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Thursday Nov 3rd 2005
It's a mystery
Sometimes a bit of serendipity, happy happenstance, karma, mazel tov, destiny or just plain fluke hits you in the face when you least expect it and sometimes, even when you need it most. How these things go, as said in the movie "Shakespeare in Love" by the owner of the "Rose" theater, "it's a mystery". The mystery, karma, desiny or happenstance I speak of came when I needed it most. I was quite unhappy and feeling like life was just a shade of gray .. when suddenly, a fresh breeze blew in, washed off the dust and exposed the glorious colors beneath. If that wind is true or false, does not matter. What matters is that it gave me something to look towards -- and the energy to get out of the rut I was attempting to bury my mind in, so I could reach it.
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Friday Nov 4th 2005
The Site
I have put at least 400 hours into this site, including creating fonts and images. The amazing part is I haven't trashed it yet in order to give it a new look. Ok, I've slowly made little changes nearly every day -- so that if you had seen the site a month ago and then visited it today, you'd find it completely different. When I first started recreating the site from scratch, I was worried about lack of content. I didn't want to do more FrontPage themes or Outlook Stationary but I didn't know what else I could offer besides Paint Shop Pro tubes. I was lacking enthusiasm for the tubes as well. That is, until I got the new version of Paint Shop Pro X. Everything was moved around so that I couldn't find everything I would normally do without thinking. Grr. Of course, Corel says it's a new version, but I really don't see anything different from Jasc's version besides the updated look and the placement of the browse feature. But, that was enough to frustrate me and make me look at creating graphics again. I had to figure it out! And, like a room with the furniture rearranged, it seemed like a brand new space. Of course, that wasn't the spark that put the fire under my butt to create a whole new site -- I had another new program to figure out -- EZGenerator. I had been using FrontPage and DreamWeaver exclusively so EZGenerator seemed a whole new program to conquor. I used to know HTML so well that I could create pages in notepad. I could still do it, albiet a bit more slowly, but I'm not insane. Why the heck would one want to code manually when so many tools are available to make the job 1000x more effecient? Ego? Yes, I do believe that those that code manually are total egomaniacs that think coding by hand makes them cool. Pa-leeeze. Anyway, to toot my own horn, I think I've done quite a job here on the site. With that said, it's most likely time to redo the whole thing yet again! Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha
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Saturday Nov 5th 2005
TDBID
I think we all have them. TDBID, "to do before I die", are the things we've set aside to do "some day". I'm not talking about balancing the checkbook or cleaning out the garage. Yes, those are things we put off and really don't want to do .. I'm talking about the things we've always wanted to do but for some reason leave them floating in the uncertainty of the future. Why are we putting them off? Wouldn't life be more fullfilling if we had a concrete list of our TBDID and checked them off? I have my own. I had always wanted to learn to salsa dance. I learned and I absolutely love it. I'm still beginner but having the small bit of talent I picked up has brought me untold amounts of joy. Why had I put it off for so long? I could have been a champion salsa dancer by now if I had done it way back when. I could have had that small bit of happiness infused into my life for all those years. How silly to have not done it. But, we all do it, don't we? We put off the things that we would love so that we can do the things we must. We get caught up in the supposed-to's, telling ourselves that one day we'll have the time to do everything we would like. Let me tell you a secret -- we will never have the time to do everything we like. There will never been a someday. All we have is right now. I propose that we all take a long hard look at our lives, reevaluate our "shoulds" and put some of those on our long term "someday" or even eliminate some entirely.
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Monday Nov 7th 2005
The Zen of Trauma
I've been a bit down lately. I don't want to be anymore. So, I've decided to "count my blessings" in order to get perspective. Life really isn't negative or positive -- it's just there. The judgment comes to things when we percieve and process. We determine our own responses -- mostly without thinking. We can turn around much of what we percieve as negative by simply altering our view of it. Even horrificly traumatizing things can be turned around to be less traumatic. Let's say that your house burnt to the ground. Nobody was hurt. All possessions are gone. You were well insured. Now, before you processed those sentences, they were just facts. But, you get a picture in your mind and assign it negative or positive. Most likely, it's a negative thing, right? Well, not entirely. "But ... ", you say, "all my precious memories and momentos are gone". See, now that is not true. You still have your memories, you just lost the physical things that you associated with those memories. What you are saying is that you are emotionally attached to physical things, not because they themselves are anything special, but because the memories you'd tagged to them, are. Yes, it is still a loss, but over time, those items can be replaced with new items and new memories. The positive spin is that you can let go of those mentally highlighted items that have, over the years, become out of control and impossible to keep organized. Letting go of things (ending their part of yourself) can be painful, but there is always a beginning where there was an ending. By getting rid of things (mentally and physically), we make way for new and exciting possibilities. By reminding ourselves of the positive, the trauma of the negative is less severe and shorter lived than if one had dwelled upon it without hope. It's a very healthy perspective. Don't you think?
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Tuesday Nov 8th 2005
Fun House Mirror
At the time of this writing, it is the day before the date on this post. I've decided to write tomorrow's (this one) post today. I am going to take stock of my life (which has seemed less than ideal lately) and remind myself of all the good things I have. As Sheryl Crow sings in "Soak up the Sun", "it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got". That is a profound truth. What I've 'got' (and what I want) is a lot. I have people that love me, the freedom to live my life the way of my own choosing(to a large degree -- I'd like to live without bills, thank you very much) I have an intelligent mind and a passion for life and experiences. I am grateful of these things. I think that those things do get taken for granted sometimes. We tend to look at what we want and what we are not getting instead of looking at what we have and being happy. Of course, that tendancy can be positive -- evolutionary speaking. It's what made us humans climb to the top of the food chain, after all. But, when that tendancy is making us miserable, we need to remind ourselves of these things. I know so many people that are miserable because they do not give importance to what they have -- they magnifiy what they do not have and what is not going how they would like it to and they allow those thoughts to encompasses all of their being. I wish there was some way I could hold up a truth mirror in front of them that showed them that the mirror of their life was a not-so-funhouse mirror and didn't show things in the right perspective. I think I'm going to grab that metaphor and run with it ...
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Thursday Nov 10th 2005
Birth of a Migraine
It is the pressing of a dull knife against the back of my neck-- I am not feeling much of the first sting as it, without elegance, pierces the flesh: it is the burning pain and near cramp of muscles as they try to avoid being violated that startle me. The piercing burn radiates from the right side from base of my skull, both traveling around and over my jaw into my eye and sliding down the trapezias muscle to settle into a hard knot somewhere just beneath the middle edge of my shoulder blade. At the same time, my shoulder muscles are pulled up towards the base of my skull as the muscles of my skull are pulled down towards their base. It stays mostly on the right side and makes my head feel like it's being tipped over towards my right shoulder. I bring my right arm across my chest and using my left hand, grab my right elbow and pull it towards my left side in an attempt to uncramp the muscles on the right side. The cramps hide themselves well, mostly in the connective tissue holding muscle to the bone, so that to stretch them, one would have to dislocate the joints and bones that it attaches. At the point from which the pain is raidiating, the pain worsens -- pulling and cramping all that is a part of it into an even more excruiciating position. Nausea, caused by the white hot burning deep within these tiny connective tissues, begins to froth within my gut. More muscles and tissues surrounding the areas of pain begin their reactions. Above and slightly behind my right ear, the first sparks of pain begin to brighten and strengthen. My right eye begins to suffer tiny needles of pain in the upper portion of the orbital lobe. As my pain thresholds begin to send out bells of alarms, the same pain that was isolated to the right side, reproduces itself on the left. The white fire on the left side is less severe but enough to send those needles of pain into the top of my left orbital lobe. The sharpness excites the nerves leading to my sinus cavities. My nose begins to run. A new, twisting pain, like someone pinching violently, begins over both of my jaws. My jaw muscles as well as the joints themselves begin an aching throb from the assault. Every moment that passes increases the white hot burning, pinching and stabs of pain throughout my shoulders, neck, head, jaw, and eyes. As the intensity increases, my vision is reduced to a pinpoint of light within a dark tunnel. Silvery sparks float within the darkness of my periphrial vision. Noises become an alcohol and salt mixture that is scrubbed into the pain with wire brushes. Light causes millions more needles into my eyes. The pain itself seems to scream inside my head. It becomes an angry and violent chaos that twists and slams itself against every nerve -- gleefully violating them until they are bleeding and swollen masses of red and black. It has been a mere 2 minutes since the first press of knife against the base of my skull until now. I curl up in a fetal position, hands over my ears and eyes squeezed shut against the onslaught. As I lay there waiting -- and it might be a very long wait -- for the war raging inside my head to cease fire, I burrow deeper within my consciousness to make way into the realm of fantasy and dreams. The pain follows like the roar of a waterfall does as you make your way away from it through the woods. At first, the noise is a thundering cacophany that drowns out all other sounds but as I make my way deeper into the forest of my consciousness towards the unconscious, I think I begin to hear other sounds as the roar diminishes in excruciatingly slow measure. I try to find sleep.
~written during the oncoming of a migraine headache~
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Sunday Nov 13th 2005
Well Well Well
That phrase, well well well, has always signified to me that someone is mildly shocked as well as having their interest peaked -- like a "and what do we have here" thing. It's a mostly positive thing. Well Well Well pretty much sums up the last few days for me. I had started on a post here on Friday -- found it just moments ago with just a date on it and nothing in it! There have been kids (no less than 20) streaming in and out of the house all weekend. I've done a bit of shopping and even cleaned! I've been messing with the USB Hard Drive fan that is messed up too. I unplugged it for the moment and the drive seems to be doing ok. Just to be safe, I've placed a cooling thing under it that I found in the freezer. The weather has been beautiful -- the puppy's had a new bath and Harley's turn is next. I think I'm dealing much better with the "situation" that was upsetting me earlier this month. I finally got my other dell up and running (nothing wrong with it) and am working on getting the software updated. The headaches have been pretty frequent lately. The pain too. I'm still psyching myself up to go to the pain clinic. Don't know why I avoid it. Probably the whole "I hate doctors thing because they can't figure out how to end this pain" thing I suffer from as well. For some reason, a movie with Matthew Broderick (or was that Michael J. Fox -- yes, I think it was!) and ghosts is going through my head like a bad song. Much like the annoying song you can't get out of your head, I can only remember tiny pieces of it that repeat over and over ... Ahh ... save me!
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Tuesday Nov 14th 2005
Disorientation
Was suffering from a bad case of PMS so I went to bed at dinner time. It's now 2 AM, I am awake yet still lost in a fog of disorientation. I woke up with a feeling of confusion, not sure what day it was and what I was supposed to be doing. I think I am still half asleep because when I close my eyes, I begin to dream. I have thoughts floating through my head all willy nilly -- without cohesion or pattern. I feel a need to connect with the kids -- I was a bit harsh with them last night and I feel bad about it. I am looking forward to morning. A cup of coffee would be fabulous right now. It is my "comfort" food.
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Wednesday Nov 15th 2005
Uh Oh, not again
John Mayer's song "Comfortable" is going through my head, particularly the part that goes .. "our love is comfortable and all broken in ... miles from coltrain ... "
My head is throbbing -- mostly from the painful knot on the right side of the base of my skull that is radiating along the right side of my head and into my right eyeball. Feels like a sharp knife point into my eye. The pain of it all goes from sharp and stabbing to throbbing with each heartbeat. It feels like a hard tightness squeezing at times too. Woke up with it. It's going to be one of those killers .. the ones that leave me panting, crying and helpless ... not looking forward to it. I've taken some Motrin in hopes of easing it a bit, but it won't. It never does. Hot bath ... need a hot bath ... a hot bath ... the weather has changed drastically, it is supposed to snow today at some point. Not sure if that has anything to do with the pain -- it might. Now where did I put that number for the pain clinic ... Somebody please chop my head off or at the very least, knock me unconscious. It's going to be a very rough day.
 ... our love was .... comfortable ....and... all broken in ...
Later ...
Wow, headache is gone. I had a long nap with a frozen compress along with 4 extra strength motrin and a cup of coffee. Wow. It worked! Did I mention Wow??
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Friday Nov 18th 2005
Holy Crap
Holy Crap ... I love that phrase. That's my son's general response when he's beginning to get cheesed off. Cracks me up. Anyway, the reason I was saying holy crap is because I can't believe it's already the 3rd week of November. My daughter has Christmas decorations up in her room already and I've made a mental note of who's on my Christmas list and who's on my shit list :) I'm checking it twice too! Gotta make sure that there isn't someone I'd rather be on the shit list instead of the Christmas one! Bah ha ha.
We had some snow flurries yesterday -- barely enough to even be noticable -- and it's cold as fuck right now. It's 20 degrees out there! I'm not talking that celcius shit either. Hard to believe that in a month or two, I'll be GLAD to have it 20 degrees -- as opposed to the usual shit plate of -2 that is served up here January - April.
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Saturday Nov 19th 2005
*yawn*
Been bored and extra sleepy lately. Not tired, just wanting the comfort of blankets and a soft surface beneath me as I escape into the only thing that seems to interest me lately -- dreams. It's not just the dreaming, it's the warmth and sensation of falling asleep that has been intoxicating. However, I cannot live this way. I must do other things. But, I can't find the interest, motivation or energy to do them. I'd say that I was clinically depressed and the hypersombolism is just a symptom, but I do not have feelings of worthlessness nor do I lothe myself. I'm not feeling particularly sad (maybe a little) -- in fact, I feel very blessed. I am feeling annoyed and fed up with pain though. I would venture to say that there is something else that I am repressing -- venture to say as opposed to a sure statement of -- but I am not sure - -because I've had this pain for years and years but have not spent so much time trying to escape in this way. How can you know if you are repressing something if it's repressed and hidden??? Ha! So what is it that I'm escaping? I guess I'd have to take a look at what I am experiencing when I feel the urge to escape by sleeping -- the loud high pitched noises of cartoons and TV in general seem to do it, so does the stress of the shall-remain-nameless person that is yelling and pissed off all the time. The common theme seems to be unpleasant noises. Perhaps that is why late at night, when nobody is awake, I feel wonderful and alive -- not wanting to sleep at all. Another trigger is the pain -- eye pain, leg pain, jaw pain, neck pain, back pain, shoulder pain, headache pain. I can't seem to escape it any other way. I take motrin but then my stomach burns as it bleeds. The ironic part of it all is that even though I am sleeping much, I am not getting restful sleep. I am constantly awakened by noises, movement, and most of all, pain. I really can't live this way anymore. I have got to call the pain clinic. This is just insane.
Later on ...
How utterly amazing -- I finally broke down and took something for the pain that was much stronger than motrin. I feel fantastic. Noises don't even bother me! I am just so glad to be out of pain!
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Sunday Nov 20th 2005
The apple falls not far from the tree
My daughter is sitting on the couch with her laptop (as nice as mine -- I assure you) writing a story. In the third grade, she won a young author's award. She was the only one in the entire 3rd grade to win. The rest of the winners were 5th and 6th graders. She had written a story on dinosaurs. She has written pages upon pages of stories about her baby dolls lives. It is rather amazing -- each doll has a personality, likes and dislikes, an age, friends and a story of her life. All of the 20 or so dolls interact in her story with a complexity that rivals that of soap operas! I am not boasting that my daughter is brilliant -- I am awed by her. Her stories do have a major flaw in all of them -- the spelling is atrocious! Who has time to spell when a story is weaving itself manically in one's mind? Although she does get her talent for writing from me -- unlike me, she has a rich supportive environment in which to nurture that talent. I can only imagine the heights of success she might achieve if she allows her talents to take wing. To coin a oft used but appropriate phrase -- I shall endeavor to be the wind beneath her wings. Fly, baby, Fly Away!
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Sunday Nov 20th 2005
The apple falls not far from the tree (part 2)
With all the praise of my daughter above, I feel guilty that I didn't include my son. He has his talents as well and if I didn't write about them, I would be remiss. He has shown a talent for fixing things since he was a toddler. Anything that is physically not working, he can fix. Of course, he gets this talent from me ;) and I get it from my own mother. There is some sort of unique way of looking at things that tells him/us how something works by simply looking at it. It's almost subconscious -- he can pinpoint what is not right with a glance -- even if he's never seen it before. I could tell many stories for example (thankfully for you, I shall degress). He does not realize this talent in himself -- nor any of the many others he possesses. But, I am confident that once he passes these turmultuous teenage years, he will. He is my son, after all! ;)
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Monday Nov 21st 2005
The car the car the car
I look to be getting my new car very soon. I am not sure if I am getting the BMW M3 or the 330CI -- both in convertible. I haven't decided which color I like best either, between white or black. Black is mysterious and white is elegant. Taking my other vehicle in for detailing tomorrow so that it gets a higher trade in value. I'm so excited! I haven't had a new car in nearly 10 years.
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Tuesday Nov 22nd 2005
Vivid Dream
Was swimming in a large indoor pool with many other people. Of them, an old neighbor of mine was there with a baby. The baby was trying to swim and was doing ok for a few seconds but then needed rescue. I was able to get the baby and swim to the side of the pool. I felt very proud of the fact that I was able to do so. As I was holding onto the side, the water of the pool quickly disappeared. I was at the top still and standing on the built-in ladder. I looked down at the bottom and my old neighbor was laying there. As I was trying to figure out how to get down there and rescue the neighbor (I had no doubts that I could), I partially woke. There was more to the dream before the pool sequence but it's very hazy. I remember something about eating and being in an apartment -- a very nice one -- that belonged to the neighbor that had been in the pool. It was a pleasant dream even to the point of the neighbor laying on the bottom of the emptied pool. I can't even begin to analyze this dream.
~
Post Script: I'm glad that this month is nearly over. I'm feeling a bit better about things that happened at the beginning of this month. I am also looking foward to some photo op's this week over Thanksgiving.
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Wednesday Nov 23rd 2005
Woo Hooo!
Got the car ordered and it is being delivered to me from out of state to me here in my own driveway. I feel like a Hilton or something. It should be here Monday or Tuesday at the very latest. I chose a white 330Ci with only 17k miles on it. It was a great bargain for the level of options installed. I can't wait to take some photos of it. It's just a shame I couldn't find the car I wanted before the weather turned so cold. Perhaps that is why the price went down? Nobody wants to buy a convertible here in the midwest when it's 24°F outside. It's going to be a very long winter while I wait for the chance to take the top down. The convertibles were so much more expensive. It was crazy! Spring will find me cruising with the top down in my first convertible EVER ... can't you just picture it? I'd better stock up on scrunchies for my hair!
*dancing* *dancing* *dancing*
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