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Saturday Oct 1st 2005
Spooks & Witches & Ghouls OH MY!
Yay, it's October! This means several things -- Autumn Colors, the crisp smell of leaves in the air as they float around like in a snowglobe, cool crisp nights, warm sunny days and Halloween!
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Sunday Oct 2nd 2005
Pain & Suffering
The pain is not my friend. I live with chronic pain, but yesterday was pretty bad. My goal is to trick my mind (re-train) into believing that pain is merely a background noise that warrants no atention -- to remove the negative emotions (suffering) that is felt with pain. Maybe even make it a positive. Why does pain have to be a negative? Many masochists out there -- maybe I should ask them their trick. Sure would make living better with chronic pain!
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Wednesday Oct 5th 2005
Yay -- USB HD Arrived!
Was going to rant about my mother's sister and her psychosis -- but decided it's not worth it.
Got the 400 GB HD. That should hold me over for a month or so. I think the fan on it is bad though. It makes a lot of noise and one tiime when I turned it on, it made a horrific noise. Where the heck am I going to find a fan that small? Might have to replace the whole thing -- and I already have all my stuff on it. Ick.
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Friday Oct 7th 2005
Convertible Dreams
It's proving challenging to find the right price and model year for the BMW performance convertible in the color of my choosing (white or black)
I'm determined to have a convertible before the snow comes!
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a status symbol. I'm looking for a convertible that will last me 20 years. I don't drive all that much -- my current vehicle is nearly 10 years old with 70k miles on it. I want a convertible because I've always dreamed of owning one. I don't want to buy another vehicle for a long long time -- so I did some research to find a high quality vehicle that also comes in a convertible style. The top vehicles of choice were BMW, Mercedes and Audi. I liked the Audi, it has all wheel drive. But it was lacking something -- not sure what. The Mercedes was very nice but over priced. The Jag was too flashy. The BMW was mid-priced between those I was looking at and has handsome styling without the super-sporty-racecar look. I'm now dreaming of the M3.
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Saturday Oct 8th 2005
iPod Issues
The other day, my iPod nano locked up. I thought for sure I was going to be forced to return it -- my son has gone through 2 of them in 2 weeks -- no fault of his own (I don't think). He did upgrade to the 4 gig drive. My daughter wants me to go get me a 4 gig one and give her my 2 gig one. It is tempting, but she doesn't take care of things. She loses everything. She will end up leaving it at her friend's house or losing it entirely. She did that with her cell phone and some jerk got it and charged 100 bucks worth of game downloads before the battery died on it.
Lots of articles on the poor quality of the iPod nano. So much hype -- now Apple is burying it's head in the sand when it comes to owning up to its shoddy components.
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Sunday Oct 9th 2005
Congestive Heart Failure
My grandfather, my mother's father, the one that is part Mohawk and passed onto us those droopy sad looking eyes and dark straight hair that we all have is sick in the hospital. My aunt's psychosis was related to going to see him. She actually said I was butting in! She doesn't want anybody to go see him except her. If anybody is to go see him, she wants to control how they get there and what they do when they do get there. Please! However, I shall not take that personally since she has picked a fight with one of her brothers, her youngest sister, her daughters and now me. Anyway, my grandfather is up north and is on a breathing machine. Congestive heart failure is the cause. We suspect some liver issues as well. His skin is yellow. I'll be going up north to visit him on Thursday (I'm hoping). His condition is not improving and he is in intensive care. He is refusing a lot of treatments that would help him. He's such a stubborn old cuss. He actually thinks that he is going to walk out of there, drive himself home and live in his little shack (sans bathroom) in his backwoods cabin up north or drive himself down to Florida. He is absolutely dilusional of his condition and is unable to relinguish his independance. He's always been a loner.
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Monday Oct 10th 2005
Tornados and Hidden Sense
Watching some stories (on NGC, of course) about the 1974 tornados. I remember those tornados. I had been at my friend's house spending the night. We were supposed to be going on a trip somewhere. As fate would have it, the alarm wasn't set properly so we weren't on the road (and killed). We had awakened to serious green skies, weird smell in the air and a sense of extreme danger. Even before seeing the sky, we were all aware that there was something definately going on. That makes me wonder about our dorment (if we have them, I think we do) senses. Do humans have senses that are normally hidden but in survival mode are awakened? Are these senses related to reported cases of pyschic knowledge? Perhaps they are. My guess is that we pick up things on a level that is not processed by the critical mind. Perhaps some people are more in tune with and can access information that is being picked up on other levels. I believe that these levels are electrical in nature. Perhaps they have more sophisticated (or more primal) abilities to detect these electrical fields than the general population. Makes sense to me!
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Tuesday Oct 11th 2005
Higher Meaning?
Dying. It seems that if you were to paint the impression that we humans hold for it, it would be a bleak landscape of nothingness. The sky would be not be dappled with bright stars, but gray smears where stars would normally be. The trees would be gray as the sky. The only leaves are the dead ones laying scattered upon the even drier dusty ground. There would be no bird perched upon a dead branch and no scampering mice over the hot landscape floor. The sun would not penetrate the late dusk even during it's apex. At night, ,the blackness would be so complete that a light, even the brightest spotlight, would only lighten the blackness to near blackness -- and only a few feet of it. Showing nothing.
It is because of this bleakness and the fear of worse that we humans have created higher meaning -- a god in heaven or some other form of afterlife. Some even tell themselves that they will be born again. Einstein himself believed that there was an afterlife -- after all, matter cannot be destroyed, merely changed into another form. So where does our energy go after our bodies have been spent? Personally, I think the energy goes somewhere else. I think it returns to it's source so that the cycle can repeat. I don't think our consciousness survives. Our consciousness is not necessarily the energy of our being. I think it's just one manifestation of the use of the energy as we are now. If the energy is changed to another form, it will have other manefestations. What that energy form is or how it will manefest itself is simply unknown. So, like humans tend to do, go make something up that makes you feel better about it. Me, I am at terms with it. I accept it. I find peace within the role that one tiny life plays -- and it's signifigance or lack thereof. It is such a relief to believe that everything I do, say, think and dream is really not all that important. With importance comes great responsibilty. Without, the freedom of choice of what to make of your life. No matter what you do, in the grandest sense possible, it's not going to be important. That black hole isn't going to care that you were the leader of a powerful company, drove a fast car or even cheated millions. You are so insignifigant that your presence will not even be registered. So, go do what makes you happy, for pete's sake. And play nice.
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Wednesday Oct 13th 2005
Our Dear Heir Mozart
Though I am not a rabid fan of classical music, I do adore Heir Mozart. He is our musical boy genius whose art has not blemished even hundreds of years after his questionable death on 5 December 1791. It still carries the power to uplift, to move the senses, to make one weep and laugh and to speak to us even though our times have changed dramatically. He lifts our spirits with his lighthearted Piano Sonata No. 5 in G Major. He brings us elation with his lyrical Symphony No. 40 in G Minor and most powerfully touches our souls with the bleakness of death and loss with his requiem. It is no wonder we have created an image of him as above ourselves. His life was far from the life of a saint, a wild partier of royal proportions. Yet, through his music, he brings us a beauty we would have never had known.
He was just a man. Yet he lives even today, touching the heart of anyone that catches a few notes of his genius. Is it any wonder that in our minds we see a young, troublemaking, vibrant, and most handsome bad boy of Vienna when in reality, he was quite plain to our standards. Similarly, it is the same with our favorite bard. I love to romantize these genii as their devlishly handsome movie counterparts, Tom Hulce and Joseph Fiennes.
Sue me.
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Friday Oct 14th 2005
Uh Oh
Lost a bunch of changes on the site when EZGenerator crashed on me. I had to revert to last backup -- which was the same day but before all the major posts and additions. Crap. Oh well, you will miss my very long winded tribute to my faithful dog. Oh darn, you say? Yeah Yeah ... don't make me get into my kidney stones experience!
Planning on taking the kids to some haunted houses this weekend. Yay! I am such a scardy cat. I'll end up holding my daughter with one arm (she's worse) and my son will be gripped with superhuman strength with my other. My daughter and I will be screaming in stereo and my son will be rolling his eyes at us both. Yeah, I know it's just guys dressed up in cheesy costumes and black light -- but I still get the eeby-jeebies.
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Sunday Oct 16th 2005
Camera Fun!
What a great weekend! I picked up a new webcam (new livecam, didja see it?), some photo paper, photo ink and some really cool vinyl look CD-Rs. OK, let's start with the vinyl CDRs. For those of you that don't know what a 45 is, I won't explain it. But, for those of us who clearly remember buying records at the record store (not the music store, dammit), this is the shit! I can't wait to fill a handful with music and carry some records around in my car! Also, what a cool novel way to create custom CDs for gifts!
Now, the photo paper and ink ... finally printed some REAL photos of my digital photos. They came out so good! The camera I use is 8.2 megapixals so, as you can imagine, the resolution is fantastic. The printed photos don't look digitized at all. Wow, I'm just in heaven.
Now, the webcam ... wO0t! I can't tell you how many years I've wanted to put up a livecam feed on a site. Well, I finally did it. Not sure how long the novelty will last. I don't expect to keep it up there forever. Maybe next I'll get a wireless one -- get shots of the highway near here or something. I can't think of anything else that would be interesting to watch. No, I won't be showing X-rated video ... EVER. Sorry ;)
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Tuesday Oct 18th 2005
blah blah blah
Did a lot of reading. In fact, read an entire paperback in one sitting last night. It was called Ghost Walk. I see dead people! A pretty good read for an October evening.
Everybody is asleep and the house is quiet. Kinda lonely. Not feeling well.
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Wednesday Oct 19th 2005
2 AM Calls
Every night, between 2:00 - 2:13 AM, the phone will ring -- once. This began roughly 2 weeks ago. Driving me nuts. Tonight, I will make sure that I am both up and holding that damn phone with my sweaty little finger on the answer button. I have a feeling that it is some computer calling -- but why? from where? I am sure the connection is broken at the exact time that I get the one ring. I will have to be quick.
(next day) wouldn't you know it? the call didn't come this time
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Friday Oct 20th 2005
Dreams
Haven't felt well the last few days so I've been taking cap naps. Strange dreams -- some of opulence and some of destitution. The most vivid was an airplane full of people I went to high school with. Where we were going? Las Vegas, baby! There were 20 ton futuristic cars in the hold of the plane which made it almost too heavy to fly. It affected the stability of the plane so much that it was not certain we would make our destination. Scary, yes, but also an exciting adventure.
Opulence is a recurring dream of mine. In it, I have just purchased a house. It contains many secret rooms, is large enough to be considered a castle and is full of wonder -- some rooms are built like islands, the furniture high and dry with a sparkling clean waterway surrounding it -- in which one swims. Some rooms are adventure parks filled with rides and games. The children's rooms contain high beds, towering with soft blankets, and surrounded by toys of every type. There are rooms of treasures and expansive network of even more closets and secret rooms each filled with wonderous things. There are garages the size of warehouses, indoor restaurants, pools, saunas, asian baths, shopping (free of course) and ballrooms. The house is surrounded by expansive grounds complete with arabian horses, tigers, lions and other fenced habitats that are filled with exotic wildlife. There are old classic cars in mint condition and exotic race cars like lamborginis. Each time I have one of these dreams, I find more adventures and treasures. Sometimes the place is so big, I've run into small groups of people that live there -- carnival workers that run the rides, asian women that tend to the baths and indoor gardens, young junkies that have gone clean and live there without a care.
These dreams happen frequently enough to make me wonder what is really behind them. They started 5 years ago right after I bought my house. They are pleasant dreams and the treasures of the house are always a surprise. The dream is filled with a sense of wonder and delight, warm feelings, family and love.
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Monday Oct 24th 2005
Oh bother
Had to take my daughter to urgent care yesterday. She had slipped and fell on her foot -- as she's done many times through the years - but this time, instinct told me to take her for x-rays. Yep, it was broken. Of course, she is taking this as an adventure and eating up the attention.
Now, my son has lost his voice and is pretty cranky about not feeling well and not having an Internet connection because his USB wireless was broken by the Tink. He is insisting that I take hundreds of feet of cat5 and somehow wind it around the house and into his room. Uh... no. I'll just get him a new USB wireless.
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Tuesday Oct 25th 2005
Green Hair?
My hair is pretty long -- not to my ankles or anything, but pretty long. I had this dream that I was in a mall (go figure, I can't stand malls) and was getting my hair cut. I was some gothic witch vampire hunter and needed to look the part. So, I went to a salon (in dream, here) and had my hair cut just above shoulder. The girl had dyed it with some green on top and black tips. Sounds gross, but it was really cool. So, afterwards I was in some cool old car and was kicking vampire butt. I was trying to find 2 children that had been taken. One had been a baby. I was using telepathy to find them but the vampires were blocking the children's thoughts to thwart my efforts. I was fighting vampire after vampire in this factory/warehouse turned vampire den. There was a lot of blood, some of my fellow vampire hunters died but we were getting the best of the vampires. The dream had been very detailed but it's already fading in my mind. I wish I could remember more. It was a great dream!
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Wednesday Oct 26th 2005
2 AM AGAIN
Awoke suddenly -- not sure why. One moment, I was fast asleep. The next moment, I was wide awake without the slightest trace of grogginess. I jumped out of bed thinking that it was time to get up. Took me a moment or two to realize it was only 2 AM. It wasn't the 2 AM phone call that woke me -- that came a few moments after I'd gotten up for water. I wasn't in pain - no headache or leg pain that usually wakes me. Maybe I'd heard a noise? The dogs were fast asleep, if there had been something, they certainly would have alerted. If it had been a dream, it was gone without a trace the second I'd opened my eyes. The house is so peaceful. The only sound is the sound of the heater blowing like a far away wind. The whole house is dark and slightly cool -- the hardwood floors are smooth beneath my bare feet. A sense of calm washes over me. Perhaps this is the reason I woke up -- to simply enjoy the rare quietness of the house. There are no TVs blaring, no video games exploding, no water running, no arguments, no phones ringing -- just the quiet sounds of a house asleep. With the heater now shut off, an even more soothing sound is noticeable -- the sound of my children sleeping. I can hear their soft even breath as I stand in the hallway outside of their rooms. What a perfect moment.
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Saturday Oct 29th 2005
Our Lonely Planet
We inhabit a lonely blue planet that shares its space with lifeless rock and dead planets. Much like our Earth we all are -- alone in our consciousness adrift in a dark space that seems infinite. But, unlike our planet, we do not need to be a spot of brilliant color in the blackness of space. There is something we might do to make our own space of self seem less bereft. Friends. Though the "self" of most people around us may seem just as unreachable as those planets hundreds of thousands of lightyears beyond our reach, in reality, some just may be close enough to reach out and touch. The trick is knowing which are reachable and which are merely an illusion of close vicinity. The only way to know is to reach out and not to take it personally if one is just too far to reach. I'm speaking, of course, of connecting with each other. We are billions of other self's floating around on this rock together -- even if the tiniest fraction were hospitible -- we'd still be left with more than we could touch in several lifetimes. Perhaps no two objects can occupy the same space at the same time, true even for our inner selves, we are able to each mentally reach out, open up the windows to our consciousness so that another may gaze inside and see the beauty of our private world as it spins slowly in its own universe.
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Monday Oct 31st 2005
It's over
Well, it's the last day of October. It brought us the first glimpses of fall colors, the end to 70 degree days, the harvesting of crops and our first taste of the winter to come as we woke to our first mornings of frost. It is fitting that Octobr ends with the "dia de los muertos" and "Halloween". November will bring the first few days of winter .. the season of slumber. Time to bring out the winter jackets, gloves, hats and to dust off the snowshovel. I have a feeling it's going to be a long winter.
Enjoy your Halloween ... pass out the good candies tonight and start thinking where you'll have to put that damn christmas tree this year -- it won't be long now!
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